Impeti or Impetuses
The journey to now is a short one. The now that is now is not the one that is before. It’s different somehow. Somehow changed. This now does share some similarities with the now before but the more important elements that compose this now are the differences between this now and the last. The now before was the last now before this one, and now this now is the only now until the next, which is the now which has yet to be, but will assuredly be, as all nows are successive until the very last now, which we informally call death. We can only know that last now in an informal fashion because no one has yet lived to experience it. That’s the only now that is a definitive now.
The now that I’m currently in had multiple impeti (or is it impetuses), and each I can recall and extrapolate (to a certain degree).
The first was a statement from a dear friend of mine, perhaps it was an off the cuff remark, but it festered in the recesses of my brain. But it never moved even into the knowledge stage. I will still then too caught up in the throes of my own delusion. But the thought remained, a sapling, burrowing deep, not letting me forget its existence. Subtly poking and prodding it remained a constant nuisance.
The second was a video game I played called Always Sometimes Monsters. It was here that my dear friend’s statement moved into that knowledge stage. It was this video game that brought to the fore that I should feel empathy not only for others but also for myself. It was piercing in its insight, and its commentary often incisive and biting. Like a nagging fiend, it gnawed away at my coping and defense mechanisms, leaving me open to becoming scarred and scabbed.
The third was my own personal psychoanalysis, and this was accompanied by my reading of Dr. Karen Horney’s magnum opus. As all change is nothing if it isn’t impelled. It was here that I began the process of moving knowledge to awareness to implementation. This is my current now, but I can see another now on the horizon. That now that is slowly becoming, bubbling and effervescent. Even now I can see these small things that I’ve changed to emerge from this now and metamorph into the next.