From a Notebook Lost: The Same and The Other 25

by mudrhetoric

Mine eyes punish me every time I open them. My ears only wish me harm. My mouth always speaks ill of me. Why does my body condemn me so? It seems to want only to give me pain and no good. How did this situation and circumstance even come about and happen? I am trying to disconnect myself from myself. Separate my mind, body, soul, and will. So I might not disappear completely. For if mine body has its way that will surely happen. My fight is a lengthy continuous one for which I am assured the victory but also a loss. The side I am on whether I win or lose: I lose. To defeat my body, I must sacrifice my mind or soul or will. So I will lose no matter what I do. How fragile am I for one piece has broken(?) and if I do nothing I will be shattered in pieces? I must decide what is important to me. What is really important? For this decision is my life (for what it is). If I do nothing I will not exist at all? If I do something I perhaps will exist in a form or shape? But I must decide, sooner rather than later later rather than sooner, something or my decision will be made for me. And I would like to feel it is my decision (even if it not be mine). So I must make a decision one way or the other or the other or one way. No matter which or how I look at it i must make a decision.

I choose my soul to be gone.

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